Part 3 of Debbie Connolly’s funny diary about pets who thwart her love life. Want to start at the beginning? See PART 1 HERE
To understand some of this episode, you need to know I am vegetarian and anti blood sports. My pets come first over any relationship. Well I admit if Mark Harmon or Hugh Laurie wanted a date and said “but I don’t like animals”, I might lie for an hour or two and hide them. Maybe three.
So after living with someone for several years who never understood the animals came before him I was single again. I did try to explain to the ex that he was in a queue, but more of him in another episode.
My friend decided I needed help to find someone. I wasn’t in the mood for internet dating, I had done it before with mixed results.
So my friend calls me and tells me she knows a tall, blond man, friend of her husband, also newly single and a dog lover. Yes, I did ask if he was literate as I have been internet dating remember…. someone who writes “Im a tal gud loking guy” really isn’t a turn on.
So she tells me “Dave” (names changed to protect the stupid) is a nice guy, truck driver, works abroad a lot, funny and interesting. She tells him I am an animal lover, opinionated (I’m betting she said big mouth), and funny. We arrange a date and meet in local pub.
Now I know I am fussy, but this went wrong very quickly. He started telling me about his dogs. he has 2 Springers and a Pointer. So I have to ask if he shoots.
He replies “not as much as I would like to, I work away a lot”. Erm ok, so why do you shoot? “Natural isn’t it? I mean the dogs love it” So this is the conversation:
I said “Natural? Where do you live, is it a cave or are you a hermit up a hill?”
“What? Of course not, I have a nice house” (missed the point brilliantly I thought, he seriously thought he was still ON the date!)
” So are all your shops closed? Or don’t they sell meat?”
” Of course they sell meat I just prefer mine fresh”
“Really? You kill it, then tear it apart with your teeth?”
“Of course not and Pheasants have to be hung after being shot to taste the best”
Yes I admit a “well hung” joke crossed my mind, but I was scaring him!
I asked him if he knew I was an animal lover. He said yes, so I asked if he realised that meant I loved them alive, not I loved cooking them. He said he didn’t realise that I didn’t like the “natural behaviour of dogs”!
So I calmed down and tried to explain as it was dawning on me my friend would go mad as we were only 45 minutes into the date and she would blame me. I tried to steer onto other things, already knowing that this really wasn’t going to work unless he was willing to have a brain transplant.
Unfortunately I made the mistake of talking about how much I wanted to travel more and this was a cue for him to talk about his lorry driving travels all over the world. He got into a story about somewhere in the middle east and a festival he went to. As he thought this was interesting and I was trying to be polite and quiet for a while, he got a little over confident.
Initially this festival story was interesting; culture, costumes, drinking, it sounded great. Right up to the point where he told me he watched them slit the throat of a live lamb.
My wine was on its way to my mouth and I froze, mid way. I did consider throwing it, but it was a good wine.
I put up my hand and gave my best “STOP” dog command. It is effective, he did.
“What the f%*k? Are you mental? Which bit of animal lover ALIVE confuses you? Men like you have a chip on your shoulder and often a small dick too. Get bloody therapy and sell your guns.”
There were a few more swear words in it in reality. He jumped up and said I was a bloody tree hugger. I said I sincerely hoped so as a tree was more interesting than him.
We agreed we wouldn’t meet again. I say agreed, I really mean assumed from the fact that when I stomped out to my car, I saw him doing the same. Rude I thought, he didn’t even say thanks.
I had to go to another friends for a while as the one that set us up could just see my house from hers and would know I was back early. She never set me up again.
Back to internet dating methinks?