The second part of Debbie Connolly’s new funny blog about her pets and their unintentional, although sometimes possibly deliberate attempts to thwart her love life 🙂  These snippets will eventually become a separate blog, so do tell us your own stories too.

How My Pets Keep me Single – Part 2

(part 1 HERE)

Dates are very traumatic things.  My responsibilities to animals come first no matter what, but I can get carried away.   When visiting one guy’s house for the first time, I got to meet his cat.  I sat on the floor to talk to this gorgeous cat, automatically checking his teeth an ears, running my fingers through his long coat to see his skin, asking if he was neutered, vaccinated, wormed, how old, did he go outside?

I didn’t notice immediately my date had long stopped responding.  I looked up to see a frowning man with a large knife (in fairness the cat was neutered already, he was cooking dinner) staring at me.

“Is this a date or a home check?” he sighed.  Ever pedantic, I responded “well actually you rent this house so I’d need to see your tenancy agreement before you could pass either”

I have no idea why he didn’t find this as funny as I did.  Poor man did try again only this time we ended up after the pub back at his friends house.  I say friends, they probably aren’t friends now as I started an argument over their two German Shepherds.  There were two dogs barking furiously for some time in the utility room and they said they couldn’t let them in as they were funny with strangers.  When asked if they were neutered (this isn’t a fetish, I approve of neutering and not just for pets) he said no as he was going to breed them.

Now I would like to tell you that my shouting was mostly down to having had wine, but I’d be lying as plenty of people have heard me do this without wine.  The man was quite aggressive (explains the dogs, doesn’t it?) and felt he was doing nothing wrong.

I tried not to shout (well a bit) but “explained” about breeding from inappropriate temperaments, health testing, having no clue how to help owners as they couldn’t train their own problems and so on.  At this point I realised my date’s jaw had dropped so far he was in danger of knocking himself out on the kitchen table we were sitting at.  I stopped talking (yes, really) and stood up.

“I can see we aren’t going to agree, so it’s best if I leave” I said in my best upper hand, better than you voice, “good night”

The male owner was red faced mad, he said “you’ll see, we will have people knocking at our door wanting these pups”

“Yes” I replied, “me, the Police and the RSPCA”

We left at that point, I could see I hadn’t made the best first impression.  Now you’d think by now this poor date of mine would have feigned death to escape me, but no, he did make one valiant last attempt and came to stay for the weekend.

My dogs and cats had met him before, but he hadn’t slept over before.  I am using the word “slept” as a euphemism of course.  So inevitably, or rather as expected, we ended up in bed.

Those of you with older dogs know that to test whether their apparent deafness is real or selective, you rattle a crisp or other packet as a miracle cure as they always hear packets.  So imagine the bed scene, intimate moment, pets all banished from room.  Except his enthusiastic opening of the condom wrapper clearly sounded edible the other side of the bedroom door and he was suddenly thrown off the bed by the running entrance of two door opening German Shepherds and a Collie.

This probably isn’t the best moment to laugh uncontrollably, but I did.  Fabulous contraceptive my dogs are as the mood of intimacy could not stand the intrusion and a very angry man slept in the spare room and the dogs slept in my bed with me.

Note to self: buy a proper lock for the bedroom door.

Part 3 Here

About Safepets UK

Expert Witness behaviourist assessing dogs for court, treating cats and dogs. Covering Midlands to London and other areas.

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